Wednesday, November 28, 2007

The Wonder of Hog's Feet

So I was just lounging around on a Saturday, just channel surfing when I came across Paula Deen's show on the Food Network. I'm a sucker for her sultry Southern drawl, no-nonsense aphorisms and deliciously decadent pineapple upside down cake (her secret is replacing the flour, eggs, baking soda, pineapple, butter and milk with Hostess cakes, foie gras, cream of cattle and ear wax), but until that show I never knew that she was a health expert too.
Right after they showed a close-up shot of her ├ęclair-like fingers massaging a box of Krispy Kremes into a fine pulp, Paula paused and turned, facing the camera. She had something important to say-- you could sense it. Had her dog died? Was she finally going to The View? Was she going trans fat-free because of yet another massive heart attack? I was giddy with anticipation.
She took a deep breath (which sounded like starting a 1987 Buick Skylark), and pulled out a set of hog's feet from under the counter, "Hunney, I once suffered from that there arthritis. Oh Lord, it was so bad I could hardly move! But these here pig's feet—I rubbed e'm on my body, then drank me some mint juleps. Now I feel oh-so-much better."
Gosh, it must be her old-fashioned Southern intuition. Who knew that pig products could be delicious and nutritious?
I went to like five grocery stores searching for hog's feet. Everyone was sold out because of what Paula shared with the world. But my persistence paid off-- I found a butcher's shop that still had e'm in stock and bought the last six pairs. I was thrilled. I would finally be able to help heal my virtually crippled grandmother.
"Here you go grandma, you can stop your bitching now. What's for dinner?" But I should've asked, "What's for dessert?" cause it was pineapple upside down cake
- chris rhatigan